Sunday, March 14, 2010


I can't believe I did it but this week I actually managed to avoid all Subway cookies! (And YES, I actually DID go into a Subway! 3 times to be exact!) Let me tell you it sure wasn't easy but I managed it - so now I just need to keep working on it so that eventually I don't even think about it! Ironically enough, despite the fact that I managed to completely avoid Subway cookies and ate less points than last week, according to my scale I still managed to gain half a pound. I'm hoping that today's workout session may kick start a small weight loss for tomorrow's weigh in - that or hope that my scale is off. We'll see tomorrow night I guess!

Let me tell you a little bit about one of my OTHER food obsessions now - marshmallow Peeps!! For those of you who don't know what Peeps are, they are delicious marshmallow animals (chicks, bunnies, etc.) coated with coloured sugar and they are FANTASTIC! Luckily for me they only come out around Easter because honestly I can't control myself once the package has been opened! Thankfully they are MUCH LESS destructive than the Subway cookies but still something I need to work on controlling!

So I was at the gym today when I had this thought: I have belonged to 2 different gyms and both of them (as with most) had pools. Now here's the thing. BOTH OF THEM had pools that were in GLASS ROOMS completely visible from the entrance to the gym. Why, WHY do they feel the need to do this? I love to swim but I think I have been in a pool once or twice in probably almost 10 years because I am so uncomfortable being seen in a bathing suit. Even wearing a t-shirt isn't enough to make me venture out into a pool, ESPECIALLY in front of strangers. So now WHY does the gym feel the need to put the pool on complete display? And not only does my current gym have a large glass wall between it and the entrance so that EVERYONE who even comes in to the gym has full view of the pool and anyone in it, but the OPPOSITE wall of the pool area is also glass and borders the main workout area! HALF of the treadmills in this section of the gym face the glass wall which means everyone ON those treadmills stares directly into the pool. Needless to say I won't be using the pool any time soon!

Another interesting thought I had at the gym today was about locker room nakedness (and nakedness in general). I think it's pretty obvious that I would not feel comfortable getting naked in front of other people, even in a change room. Bra and undies is the best it gets for me and even then, it's one at a time. Anyway, the thing I thought about today was that even just changing into a t-shirt and sweatpants, I am much MUCH more comfortable doing it in front of strangers than in front of people I know. I used to go to the gym with my friend all the time and even though we have known each other for years and are very close, I still wasn't comfortable changing in front of her. I would change before we went or go to the bathroom to change - any excuse not to have to do it in front of her. I got to wondering why that is? Why would I be MORE comfortable changing in front of strangers than my best friends? I think it might have something to do with judgement. I don't really care if the other people in the change room judge me because I don't know them and probably won't ever see them again anyway, so who cares if they think I'm fat? My friends on the other hand, I would always be wondering what they were thinking when the looked at me, and if they talked about me to other people. I know it's silly and I'm just being paranoid but I can't help feeling uncomfortable in that sort of a situation with friends.

So I guess that's it for today. I'll let you know how the weigh-in goes tomorrow! On a side note, I have been getting the odd comment of encouragement on my posts and I just want to say thanks - it's nice to know that people are reading this and relating to me and it's great to hear words of encouragement and understanding from others who are going through (or have gone through) similar situations. Please keep them coming!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Is that really me?

So here's the thing - I've always been overweight. I started out just a little chubby, but over the years my weight slowly crept up until I literally became obese. But even though I have always been fat (and trust me, always FELT fat), most of the time I really don't feel that bad about myself - I'd say most days my self-esteem is pretty good. When I look in the mirror, I don't LOVE what I see but I also don't hate it - and I've never thought that I LOOKED as fat as I really was. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not delusional, when I look in the mirror I definitely see a fat girl, but I never looked in the mirror and thought "wow, I look really OBESE today!". There are really only 2 times that I ever feel really horrible about myself:

1) dress shopping

I have never been a girly girl - I don't like dresses and I don't feel comfortable in them but sometimes they are unavoidable. I LOVE to shop, and while I sometimes get frustrated with sizes I usually don't feel to bad about myself. Enter dress shopping - all of a sudden I feel like the fattest, ugliest person on the planet! Case in point - my senior prom. I didn't have a date (surprise, surprise, high school boys are shallow) but I was fine with that - I was going to go with a bunch of my friends. My mom took me dress shopping and after an entire afternoon of trying on dresses I could barely fit over my ass I ended up in the washroom of the mall in tears. Needless to say I did not end up going to prom! Now that I'm older my dress shopping fears have moved on from prom dresses to brides maids dresses and let me tell you , it still sucks!!

2) photographs

This is actually the one that got me onto this topic today. I was on Facebook looking at friends profiles and I came across an old friend I hadn't seen in a while. While I was checking out her photos to see what she had been up to lately I came across an old album she had posted of our group of friends when we were younger and I almost fell out of my chair. There, in the very first picture was me - looking fatter than I EVER remember being, and I thought wow! Is that really me? That can't be me! But sadly, it was. I have never been a picture lover and always try to keep the lens pointed AWAY from me so thankfully there are not really that many photos of me out there, but the ones that do exist are NOT GOOD! I have lost a bit of weight so far (around 25lbs) so at least I can feel good about the fact that I'm not THAT fat anymore but I still hate having my picture taken. It's funny how you can look in the mirror and see one thing, but take a look at a photo and you become almost unrecognizable to yourself! I honestly didn't think I looked like that, or looked that fat, until I saw the pictures and it makes me feel HORRIBLE about myself! So needless to say I will be avoiding cameras for a little while longer!

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Back on track!

So yesterday's weigh-in went really well - I figured I would lose some weight because after returning from vacation I got back into my normal routine - but 2.8lbs was more than I expected because I still managed to go WAY over my points for the week! I have to be honest though, as much as I love being on vacation it was really nice to get back into my routine. The gym was grueling since I have done very little exercise for several weeks but it felt really good to get back into it.

Speaking of "routines" - one routine that I REALLY need to work on breaking is my Subway cookie habit. I used to be really good at just passing them by, but lately I seem to have gotten into the habit of always saying yes to them and I realize that it's not necessary. This week I went to Subway 4 times and got cookies 4 times (and as embarrassed as I am to admit this - 2 times were in the same day!). What I need to do is start looking at those cookies (and all cookies for that matter) as a special TREAT - something I should indulge in once in a while (like once a month or so) instead of EVERY time. So that is one thing I am really going to work on this week.

So for those of you NON fat people reading my blog I'd like to explain a little something about jeans that we fat girls have to deal with. I have never in my life worn out a pair of jeans in the "normal" places - not in the knees or the butt - and I've never split a pair of jeans in the crotch either. But I still manage to wear out a pair of jeans within a year or so. How you ask? Well, as a fat girl my thighs rub together and THIS is where I manage to spring holes in my denim. Usually I have 2 pairs of jeans that I alternate between that are my "comfy" jeans - a little tight right out of the washer but perfect after a few hours of wear. Well during one of the last few days of vacation I went to sit in the car and the wear in one of my thighs finally gave way and split open - in the garbage they went! That essentially left me with one working pair of jeans, so when I got home I went through my closet and tried on all my jeans to find another pair to add into the rotation. I found one pair that fits pretty well but are a little bit too tight in the waist. I can get them on and done up no problem but they are a little bit uncomfortable when sitting. So guess what is NOT such a good idea when you are wearing jeans that are a little too tight? Going to the movies and drinking a large pop (for you Americans - a large soda)!! I went to see a movie that was an hour and a half long and had to get up and go to the bathroom 4 TIMES!!! That's a record even for me!! So my plan is to hopefully get out and get myself another pair of jeans!!

Monday, March 1, 2010

Home Sweet Home

I know, I know! I completely slacked on my updates during my vacation! But really, you can understand can't you? And to be honest, there wasn't a whole lot for me to blog about!! (that's a complete lie - the food was amazing!). But anyhow, I am home now and trying to get back into the swing of things.

So as I mentioned, the place that I stayed actually had a scale in it, which did seem to make it a little easier for me to keep on top of my weight. Now that does NOT mean that I managed to not GAIN weight - but I'm positive that I gained a lot less than I would have had a scale not been available to me. So let's get down to the numbers. I have to admit that I was a little nervous about my weigh-in today but not nearly as much as after my vacation last year. However, getting on the scale I was pleasantly surprised! I gained only 4.8lbs! Now this may seem like a lot (and I guess it really is) but that was after 3 weeks of vacation. Last year I gained over 5lbs and I was only on vacation for one week so for me - 4.8lbs after 3 weeks is a VAST improvement! AND, I definitely feel like I enjoyed myself over my holidays.

Now let me tell you a little bit about what CAUSED that weight gain. Basically the routine while I was on vacation was to eat breakfast and lunch at home and eat dinner out - pretty reasonable! AND I only went to an all you can eat buffet twice over the 3 weeks - once for dinner and once for breakfast (and let me tell you that Americans LOOOOOVVVVVVVEEEE their buffets - no offence!!). Here's the minor issue - American grocery stores are just FULL of delicious things that are not available here in Canada. And I will also admit that I bought things that I would never buy at home just because I was on vacation and wanted to treat myself (I'm talking to you cherry coffee cake, pizza rolls and cookies!!). I'm sure that "treating" led to a few of those pounds.

If you are a regular reader of my blog I'm sure you know by now that I LOVE eating out - I don't mind cooking if I KNOW what I want to eat and have all the ingredients available to me but I would MUCH rather go out and have someone make something for me! So another great thing about vacationing in another country? Many many restaurants that we do not have here!! A few of my favourites? Olive Garden, Cracker Barrel, Bob Evans and TGIF - to name a few. Oh, another good thing about vacationing in the southern US? BISCUITS!!! Now I know you can get biscuits here in Canada but you have to buy them in the grocery store and bake them yourself. Now I would never bother to do this. But THERE - every restaurant and every meal comes with delicious, buttery biscuits!!!!! YUMMY YUMMY!!!

So that is basically my vacation in a nut shell - food food and MORE FOOD!!!

Here is an interesting observation I had while on vacation!! You all know my obsession with Subway and the infamous Subway cookies - well in the US, you can choose apples as a side option! Now apples are not available here in Canada (well at least not in my part of Ontario) - if they were, it would make it a lot easier for me to say no to those cookies!! So what's so interesting?? The apples - the ones that are not available here in Ontario - according to the bag, the apples I ate down in the Southern United States were grown and packaged IN ONTARIO!! That's right - I had to go all the way across the US in order to get apples from Ontario at Subway!! ANNOYING!!!

So here is the plan for this week:

1) start tracking again (because this obviously didn't happen on vacation!!)
2) GET TO THE GYM!! There was a serious lack of physical activity these last 3 weeks!!
3) start concentrating on my water intake again

That's it for this week start back slowly!!!